My mate got asked for directions for Lugabarruga the other day. Turned out it was spelt Loughborough.Then I realise the Yanks are discussing me “Wad she say?” says friend of moustache “She said `Mwaah mwaah mwaah’,” says moustache Friend laughs. He has no facial hair, but the remains of an adolescent hormone imbalance are etched into his cheeks “Mwaah mwaah,” he says. “Gaad,” says moustache, “Wad kinda country is this anyway? These people don’t even know when their trains run.”I think about pointing out that if he wants a London Underground employee he should find someone in uniform My cheeks are burning A train pulls in on the other platform The doors open and the sardines of rush-hour tumble out. My companions look at each other, then at me, as though I am playing a prank on them The train moves off.

The arrow still points away.”When she say it was leaving?” says friend “I couldn’t understand her,” says moustache. “She just went `mwaah mwaah’.” “Why don’t you ask her again?” “Don’t be stupid There is no point asking the English anything. They never know.”Excuse me matey, I think, but still don’t say because I’m too well trained, I’m probably less English than you are. I’ve got an English great-grandmother, but the rest is pure Celt Friend leans toward me, shouts down the train “Say,” he says, “When we gonna be moving?” “I don’t know. I’m sorry.” They look at each other, burst out laughing and go “mwaah mwaah” a few more times.A Circle line train arrives on the other side, empties, pulls out The arrow flicks towards me. The gits have started in on our train system and how stupid we are not to have razed our medieval street plan to make grids like New York has.

Then they start going “mwaah” again, purpling with their own wit.Sod this, I think I look up the carriage, attract their attention “Excuse me. The next train’s going from the other platform too.” They leap up and sprint from the carriage A couple of seconds later, the doors slide shut I smile sweetly and wave as we pull out of the station.. RP (Received Pronunciation) has been mocked almost as long as I can remember. How Now Brown Cow; Around the Rugged Rocks the Ragged Rascal Ran; a round “O” in involved; announcers putting on dinner-jackets to read the news – what a hoot! Middle-class triumphalism, South-East England’s way of keeping the provinces in their place: if you want to rise in the world, learn to speak like us. When Harold Wilson, the Beatles and Coronation Street combined forces to knock RP off its pedestal, we all cheered like mad.